Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
