I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
