I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
