He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
