I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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