apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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