walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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