This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
