I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
