We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
