ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
