my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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