my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
