I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
