wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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