you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
