I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
