Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
