Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize