omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Fuck appropriateness.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
