I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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