My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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