I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
