Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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