How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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