Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I touched a dick in church today
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
