Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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