Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
