If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
