In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
