I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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