yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
