i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
