I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
