I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
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Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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