tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
