FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
