i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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