We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
