Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
