I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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