My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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