I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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