i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
