Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
