I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
