somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
