I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
