i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
