You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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