I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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