We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
