He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
