not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
