I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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