I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
